FBI Female Body Inspector T-Shirt

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A range of t-shirts sold by independent artists featuring a huge variety of original designs in sizes XS-5XL; availability depending on style. Except you would be able to do nothing, because you are merely impersonating a Female Body Inspector. This notion even limits my ability to do my prescribed duties as well as diminishes the potentially life-saving public outreach I do. I could be saving lives; instead, I’m usually asked or forced by law enforcement to leave the fun-run immediately. The late actor was best known for Friends but brought his signature wit to plenty of characters not named Chandler.

I look for dirty bombs hidden on drunk college girls, and sniff out plastic explosives in the faux-school girl pigtails of exotic dancers.

Generally, and thankfully, situations are under control and I am able to move on, although sometimes in the line of duty I have to refer improperly maintained female bodies to a one of nine regional IBTCs, or Itty-Bitty-Titty Committees.

These are the duties I think of each morning, along with the many selfless, martyred Female Body Inspectors who served before me, as I silently, solemnly dress in the official uniform of the Female Body Inspector: a black T-shirt that says “F. I am part of Local 44 — The United Brotherhood of Key Grips, Sandwich Artists, Taffy Pullers, Guys Who Dress Up Like Silver Robots, Female Body Inspectors, and Dogwalkers. I go to lady charity-supporting parades and picnics and fun-runs each and every weekend where I offer free mammograms in my van. As this is a matter of national security and involves the inspection of female bodies, it’s not appropriate for me to discuss the finer points of female body inspection, but I will say that my job takes me to dangerous terrain, including strip clubs, lingerie fashion shows, Lingerie Football league games, wet T-shirt parlors, amateur and professional performances of Hair, plastic surgery clinics, locker rooms, rap video shoots, cheerleader camps, sorority houses, and Lake Havasu, Arizona. Despite the fact that my van has the words “Free Breast Exams from the Female Body Inspector” written on it, I have never had one taker.I am a public servant who puts his life on the line everyday, and instead of being shown the same respect, kindness, and reverence given freely to policeman, firemen, and members of the military, I am humiliated and forced to constantly defend my job, to explain that it is, in fact, a real thing and a legitimate profession.